Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
