we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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