I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
