you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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