And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
