Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
