he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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