I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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