Just cropdusted the office
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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