There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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