Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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