just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
