help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
