I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
