Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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