I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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