i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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