I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Come share oat with me in your robe
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
