tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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