He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize