It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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