I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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