dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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