Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
