I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
