the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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