If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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