I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
