I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
