I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
