I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The air taste purple.
Randomize
