So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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