Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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