My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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