Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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