woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
