I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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