The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
