I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Randomize
