Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
