despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
