every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
