if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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