I wish my penis had an off switch
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
