So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
