Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i jhust puked up my retainher.
another moral hangover. fuck.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
