Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
