Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
