I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
