the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No I am not eating basil off your cock
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Randomize
