Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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