At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you will always have a special place in my vag
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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