i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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