If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
