I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
