i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
